offering and receiving feedback as a quiet leader
Have you heard the saying, “feedback is a gift”? Why doesn’t it feel like that then?
When anyone has asked me, “can I give you some feedback?” I typically grit my teeth and dread what’s coming next. I want to feel competent and appreciated at work, like most people do.
Because feedback is so uncomfortable, we often fall into the trap of NOT doing it. And this is an issue because our reports need to hear from us how they’re doing compared to expectations. And we do as well! When you don’t hear this kind of feedback, you tend to assume the worst.
As leaders, we have to learn how to offer and receive feedback. It’s part of our own personal and professional development.
As a quiet compassionate leader, understanding how to give and receive feedback effectively can foster stronger relationships and drive continuous improvement within your team.
So let’s talk about some common questions quiet leaders have about giving and receiving feedback:
GIVING FEEDBACK
When should I give feedback?
At a minimum, this should happen once a year during a performance review.
But more common these days is having ongoing conversations that include feedback throughout your 1:1’s with your reports. You may even want to consider having a dedicated section on your standing agenda for just this. You could call it something like “Career Development” or “Professional Development” and this item could catch any number of sub topics, including feedback.
How do I set up the relationship so it’s easier to give feedback?
Have a conversation with your report where you invite frank and open observations, whenever they come up.
As the leader, know you’ll have to lead by example and go first. And you’ll have to regularly solicit their feedback until they feel comfortable enough to share it.
When your report does share something the first few times, thank them profusely so they know it’s safe to be honest with you.
This is heavy lifting at the front end, but will honestly make all of your subsequent feedback conversations SO MUCH EASIER. Once you have the habit of it, you’re good to go.
How do I actually say the feedback?
A few things can be helpful to keep in mind:
Be clear and specific: Use concrete examples to illustrate your feedback, focusing on actions and behaviours rather than personal traits.
Connect your feedback to an overarching career goal: Link the feedback to an area they’ve identified they want to work on, encouraging them that by working on this thing, they can get closer to their overarching career goal.
Think of the feedback conversation like a coaching conversation: Include questions along with your observations. Seek to understand what was going on for them, this isn’t just a one way delivery of feedback, it’s a conversation.
For example:
“One of the things I know you and I have talked about is your desire, and mine too, for you to be more visible when sitting in senior meetings. The meeting we had yesterday, I noticed you visibly made yourself smaller at the table - you sat back from the table, you tucked your hands underneath your legs, your shoulders were kind of slumped. What was going on for you in that meeting?”
From here, you can have a coaching type conversation to understand what made them uncomfortable. And you can end by encouraging them to experiment with having slightly more confident body language when attending next time.
What if my report gets defensive or disagrees with me?
That’s ok! As I said earlier, hearing feedback is often uncomfortable and can evoke defensiveness.
Your job isn’t to make them take the feedback. You offered it, they rejected it, that’s ok. You may want to end hte conversation with a slightly open door offer like, “Just sit with it and let me know if you want to dig into it more in the future, ok?"
Remind them you’re on their side. “I’m saying this because I want to see you advance in your career just like you do. And I’m worried this behaviour might hinder your ability to get promoted.”
Ask a few questions to understand their disagreement. What are they experiencing that you aren’t? What, if anything, did you miss? Or is this revealing a blind spot they had about themselves?
At the end of the day, it’s up to each of us as individuals which feedback we take on and who we listen to. If your report simply doesn’t want to hear it, that is their choice. It will come with an impact on how they’re seen, and likely how you see them, but it is still their choice.
When and how often should I follow up with them?
I’m reminded of Peter Drucker’s famous quote: “What gets measured gets managed.” In this case, what gets brought up regularly in 1:1’s, gets attended to.
A simple, “how’s it going as you’re becoming more aware of xyz?” can go a long way towards demonstrating you’re tracking their progress over time and that you care about their growth.
RECEIVING FEEDBACK
What can I do to make it slightly easier to receive feedback?
It’s even harder to be on the receiving end of feedback. A few things can help:
Listen actively: Listen attentively to what they’re saying, jot down notes for things you want to circle back to, and maintain eye contact to demonstrate your commitment to understanding the feedback. Notice if your body language is staying open and neutral, rather than defensive and shut down.
Ask clarifying questions: Seek clarification to ensure you fully grasp the feedback. Ask for specific examples if they’re not provided. Ask for the impact it has on the person sharing this feedback, if they haven’t shared this yet.
Reflect and respond: Take time to process the feedback, acknowledging its value and expressing your willingness to consider it. You may need to take this away and think about it before responding, and that’s perfectly ok!
What do I do if I’m triggered by the feedback?
As a quiet leader, we have to attend to our nervous systems a bit more than other leaders do. We are usually pretty sensitive and feel things deeply. This means we have to become experts of regulating ourselves.
If you don’t already have a practice to regulate your nervous system, I’d highly recommend you start experimenting to see what works for you. Here are a few places to start:
Mindful breathing: Practice deep breathing techniques like box breathing:
Step 1: Breathe in, counting to 4 slowly. Feel the air enter your lungs.
Step 2: Hold your breath for 4 seconds. Try to avoid inhaling or exhaling for 4 seconds.
Step 3: Slowly exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds.
Step 4: Repeat steps 1 to 3 until you feel re-centered.
Muscle clenching and releasing: You’re already feeling triggered so go in the direction of the trigger and actually emphasize it by clenching and releasing.
Step 1: Clench as many of your muscles as you can at the same time and hold (remember to keep breathing!)
Step 2: Slowly count to 5
Step 3: Release your muscles and exhale fully, and then inhale deeply to reset
(repeat as many times as necessary until you feel your nervous system settling)
What do I do if I don’t agree with the feedback?
Ask clarifying questions: Follow up with some clarifying questions to help you understand it.
You don’t need to agree, just thank them: Demonstrate your openness to receive feedback by simply thanking them. This is part of fostering a culture of open communication
Keep in mind that you also have blindspots: While you may not agree with the feedback, it can be helpful to take it away and ask yourself, “what if even a small part of this was accurate?” Follow up with a few trusted friends and advisors and see if they have any reflections that help further clarify the feedback.
At the end of the day, whether giving or receiving feedback, it is super helpful to see it as an opportunity to identify areas for improvement and enhance your leadership skills.
It also helps to create an environment where feedback is valued and nurtures stronger connections between leaders, employees, and colleagues. As a quiet leader, you are well positioned with your strengths of listening and empathy to grow the ability of offering and receiving feedback.
If you’d like any support in doing this, or talking through a potentially tricky feedback conversation, reach out and ask for help! I’d love to hear from you.
