how to be more assertive at work (and be authentically you)
We may be quiet, we may be compassionate, but that doesn’t mean we are pushovers.
As quiet leaders, we need to find our own way to be assertive so that we can set boundaries and negotiate when necessary and have productive, healthy working relationships. Emphasis on our own way.
While there isn’t a formula that’s guaranteed to work for every one (we are wonderfully unique, after all!), it can be super helpful to learn about examples of being assertive while being kind.
So let’s explore how we can be clear and kind, and as a result, assertive.
“Clear is kind.”
What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is speaking your mind, setting boundaries, and negotiating all aspects of shared work.
Assertiveness isn’t about being aggressive or disregarding others' feelings.
In fact, it’s mostly about knowing yourself, being in touch with your own thoughts, and communicating them in a clear way.
(Self awareness is something that many quiet leaders are already great at! So we can call on this strength when it comes to building our ability to be assertive.)
What are the Benefits of Being Assertive at Work?
When done with kindness, being assertive actually builds trust among colleagues.
Our minds can rest at ease when we know that when someone says “yes,” they mean it. And when they can’t do something, for whatever reason, they’ll let us know.
Examples of Assertiveness
Speaking up during meetings
If you’re finding it hard to get a word in edgewise in a particular chatty meeting, try raising your hand and saying “I have something I’d like to add in here.” This buys you a pause in the conversation to say your thought.
If you say something and it doesn’t land, don’t despair. Regroup and try again. But watch for the opening in the conversation. Sometimes, the comment was right on but the timing was off. Was the group more in a brainstorming mode and you already had a solution? Try again and see what happens.
Negotiating tasks and deadlines
Any incoming piece of work needs to go through your own internal filter:
Does this align with my existing top priorities?
If not, is this a new emerging priority I need to attend to?
Am I the right person for this task, ie do I have the capabilities needed to pull this off?
Do I have sufficient time to do this in my current workload? If not, what’s getting put aside so I can do this?
When does this need to happen by? Will I get any help with it? Is the timeline negotiable given my current workload?
Remember that a healthy conversation around tasks requires negotiation.
Offering and receiving feedback
As a quiet leader, you will find yourself in the position where you have to give feedback to your direct reports. Part of being assertive in feedback is saying something in a timely fashion, ie not letting too much time pass between the action that requires feedback and the feedback itself. It becomes a much bigger deal the more time you let pass, so grab a quick 5 minute conversation the day of the event or the next day.
You could say something like “I noticed something in a meeting yesterday that I worry undermines your credibility. Is now a good time for me to quickly share that?”
Setting boundaries and expressing your limits
We are all humans with full lives. We have things happen like births, deaths, accidents, illnesses, and mental health challenges. We move, we travel, we do all the things. So when you need to be a human first and a worker second, you need to be able to set a boundary around that. Depending on your workplace, you can either be transparent about your needs or you may have to be more vague.
More transparent boundary for open workplace: “I’m not going to be able to do that; I have some upcoming time booked off that I need for my family.”
More vague boundary for restrictive, traditional workplace: “I’m not going to have time to give that item the time it needs before my prescheduled vacation comes up. I want to make sure it succeeds so that means not having me part of it.”
Notice how with both examples, the language is simple and clear. You don’t have to overly explain yourself. You don’t have to apologize. Just say what’s true. Again, clarity is kindness.
Final Thoughts
Quiet leaders can be kind and assertive. And by developing your own style of being assertive, you will over time build even stronger relationships with your colleagues.
Try out one or more of these suggestions and let me know how it goes! As with anything, embrace your experimenter’s mindset - try something new, collect data on how it goes, and reflect on what you’d do differently next time.
I’d love to hear how this goes for you! Send me a quick note to let me know, I love hearing from people (and it feels less like writing into the void) :)
